MUNCIE, Ind. (patriotnews.com) -- Presidents don't seem to know when to shut up, especially first term presidents. Remember anything about Coolidge? Of course not, because he knew when to shut up. The only things I can remember offhand about Coolidge are his nickname, "Silent Cal," and the fact that he preferred a minimum of government interference in private lives. No scandals, no girlfriends, nothing derogatory. But he wasn't ELECTED for a second time. Not sure why, but I figure he said something stupid.

Jimmy Carter said that we suffered from a "national malaise" - stupid damned thing to say when you think about it, and he wasn't reelected. When George Bush said, "a thousand points of light," I, along with millions of other Americans, wondered what he'd been smoking (or eating). And Dan Quayle might have had a chance at a future presidency, but he lost his mind (and any possibility of the presidency) when he said, on 9 May, 1989, before a UNCF audience, "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." He might have added, "I can relate."

Second term presidents, on the other hand, freed from the necessity of standing for election, seem to feel free to say any stupid damned thing that crosses their minds. They often regret it. That liberation, combined with the simultaneous acquisition of a second term conscience, can lead to serious complications with ramifications far wider than most of us realize.

Consider, for example, Bubba's recently implied proposition to issue an apology to African Americans, and the subsequent talk of "reparations." This kind of talk ain't beatin' a dead horse, friends, it's tantamount to raisin' that horse from the grave and entering him in the Kentucky Derby. Not only will the horse not run, it'll stink up the track.

Being a member of several minority groups, including the visually challenged, the musically challenged, the dentally challenged, the economically challenged, the sexually challenged, the gravity challenged, and the vertically challenged, to name a few), I feel that I possess unique insights into this proposal (I'm also Irish). SEE WHERE THIS IS GOIN', FRIENDS? AND IT AIN'T REALLY A JOKE!

While it's certainly true that this country has systematically screwed over millions of people (think tax time), the fact is that the transgressions are so numerous that any serious consideration of apologizing to anyone or any group runs the very real risk of making another person or group mad as hell.

I thought about this a little last night, wondering if Patriot readers were ready to deal with the silliness inherent in this proposition. To insure that I was on the right track, I quickly called a conference with my friends Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, and my Old Grandad and his lady friend, Mary Jane. I said, "folks, if I say what I really think about all this, it's gonna' piss off everyone including the Pope. Maybe I should just let it slide." Mary Jane said, "Sure it's a stupid proposition, but don't rock the boat." Jack said, "it's too good an opportunity to pass up." Jim agreed. And Grandad dropped the deciding straw: "You ain't got a hair on your ass if you don't." 

Well friends, the fact is that I have an abundance of hair on my butt, so here comes the silliness.  It COULD happen - folks all over Capitol Hill are talking seriously about it! And no apologies to anyone 'cause life's a bitch. Deal with it!

(Bubba at hastily-called press conference): Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you for attending on such short notice. I assure you this is a matter of some urgency. Just over a week ago, I had a conference with a delegation of our Native American brothers, in which they pointed out that African Americans were not the only ones deserving of an official apology from their government. They recounted to me the lurid details of Wounded Knee and Sand Creek, reminded me of the land appropriated from their people, and the indignities they continue to suffer at the hands of their government. I felt their intense pain, intensely. And then and there, on the spot, I had a revelation in which I recognized a great truth. Our government has visited unconstitutional indignities upon many, many segments of our great society, and it is incumbent on me as President to take immediate steps to right these wrongs. For that reason, just moments ago, I signed an executive order that reads as follows:

I, William Jefferson Clinton, President of the United States, on behalf of the Congress and the Senate, and the sovereign citizens of this great country, do hereby officially apologize to the following groups and individuals:

First, we apologize to our African American citizens on behalf of our cruel and unreasoning forebears, who disregarded their rights and unconstitutionally kept them in involuntary servitude. Thanks to the cooperation of business and industry, we have developed a program that will guarantee gainful employment to all African Americans who wish to work. When required, training and education will also be provided. This program requires no funding by tax dollars. It was developed, funded, and is guaranteed by the following companies: McDonalds, Burger Chef, Burger King, White Castle, Taco Bell, Long John Silvers, and Subway.

Next, we apologize to all our Native American brothers, and we promise that if they'll all return to the reservation, we'll provide them with food, clothing and shelter. But we won't pay reparations 'cause you guys are making a killing with bingo, blackjack and slots.

Next, we apologize to Japanese Americans for the indignities visited upon them during their incarceration during world war II. But we've already worked out a deal with you guys. Besides, you gave as good as you got during the war, so we kinda' feel like we're even-up. But we apologize for the bad stuff anyway.

Next, we apologize to gay men and women for their degradation by society at large and by the religious right in particular. As a particularly appropriate reparation, all fundamentalist churches will be assessed a 10% annual tax, to be applied to such causes as shall be selected by the gay students alliance at Ball State University. Jerry Falwell shall be assessed a 50% annual tax to be used to investigate mother-son relationships and because he's an asshole.

Next, we apologize to those of you who drive foreign cars, for our hostility towards you, and, as reparation, will allow you to apologize for your unpatriotic behavior before we crush your puny little japanese car with our All-American four-wheel drive Jimmy. This provision applies equally to those driving German, Italian or Korean vehicles. Yugos and the tiny little Fiats are OK.

Next, we apologize to dumb men and women for our condescending attitudes, and, as reparations, will provide free comic books, a copy of "Dianetics" and a free membership in the Dan Quayle fan club.

Next, we apologize to animals, for our cruel and uncivilized practice of eating them, and, as reparation, will promise not to eat them if they can intelligibly say (in any language), "please, don't eat me." Should animals suddenly wise up, we'll declare open season on veggies.

Next, we apologize to Larry Flynt, and Hustler readers nationwide, on behalf of the society that produced the bigot who cruelly shot him down in the prime of his life. As reparations, Mr. Flynt shall receive a free lifetime pass to the Cincinnati Art Gallery, a bullet-proof vest and a supercharger for his wheelchair.

NOTE: I really despise Jerry Falwell (and his ilk), so here's a bonus ending: Mr. Flynt shall receive the controller for a rectal "stun gun," said device to be implanted in Jerry Falwell's rectum, and a lifetime supply of batteries. In accordance with our national prohibition against "cruel and unusual punishment," Mr. Flynt shall be limited to six "bursts" every 24 hours. He shall, however, have the right to activate the device at any time he chooses. According to Mr. Flynt, "You can expect Jerry's sermons to be somewhat more animated in the future."

Next, we apologize to "the juice," for our national refusal to respect the verdict of the original jury, in accordance with the Constitution. As reparations, O.J. will be guaranteed a seat at all future Goldman/Brown civil proceedings, and shall be entitled to scowl, play to the camera and make disgusted faces, after which he shall be entitled to stage press conferences during which he tearfully says such things as, "Goldman's lying - I think he knows who has the Heisman and how it was stolen. My mother heard a thump on her wall the night it was stolen, and next morning I found a single gold-smeared sneaker under the air conditioner. It was made by the Israeli firm of Bruno Magliski, and has a distinct pattern on the sole." Said Johnny Cochrane, Simpson's lawyer, "We've got the shoe, and if the shoe fits, you can't acquit."

Next, we apologize to Marv Albert, for our national failure to understand the pressures of sports casting. As reparation, Marv will become the permanent PA announcer at Yankee Stadium, Jets Stadium and Knicks arena, where fans will be encouraged to show their appreciation by doing the wave, with the middle finger extended, while simultaneously chanting, "Marv is a pervert, Marv is a pervert!"

Next, we apologize to Albert Belle, for failing to understand his high strung temperament. As reparation, upon retirement, Belle will receive a free lifetime seat in Marge Schot's personal box at Reds stadium, where Schotzie 2 will hump his leg every time the organist plays "charge."

Next, we apologize to Don King, for our failure to appreciate his success at bringing boxing back from a dying, gangster-controlled farce to its current prominence as a thriving, gangster-controlled farce. As reparations, King will receive a free lifetime supply of hair  mousse and a room in Tyson's mansion, where he'll discover what Iron Mike learned in prison.

Next, we apologize to Louis Farrakahn, for our national failure to assimilate the principles he espouses. As reparations, Mister Farrakahn shall be entitled to a free, lifetime tour of Iran, to be accompanied by his own personal entourage consisting of mullahs and revolutionary guards. And special arrangements will be made for the fruit of Islam to be matched up, man for man, with the fruit of Iran.

Next, we apologize to Saddam Hussein, for mercilessly kicking his butt all over the desert and not feeling bad about it. As reparation, Mr. Hussein is entitled to a free, lifetime tour of the Kuwaiti prison system.

How y'all doin'? You should have five fingers on each hand and five toes on each foot. Sound reasonable? It's not - I have two feet but only five toes (and I've got the pictures to prove it). But I'm gonna' stop now, 'cause I figure most of you should have the idea. If you don't, drop me some email and I'll arrange a personal visit from Dan Quayle. He won't get it either, but at least you'll have company.

Meanwhile, ponder this: Jimmy was wrong about his malaise. George was wrong about his "thousand points of light." Of course, Danny Boy was correct about "losing one's mind," but he had no clue it was his mind that was lost, so he was wrong too.

The point is that presidents are essentially the same as the rest of us. From time to time they say stupid things, to the utter delight of writers, pundits and opposition politicians. The problem arises when someone says, "you know, that's a good idea," and passes it along to someone else who's equally stupid. Stupidity, like water, seeks its own level. Like the HIV virus, it's self-replicating, highly contagious and usually deadly, especially to the politically unwary.

If I haven't disavowed readers of the notion that important people CAN'T say stupid things, let me end this stupid essay on a stupid note from one of the stupidest men ever to be one second away from the most important office in the world, Dan Quayle (speaking of the book, "Nicholas and Alexandra," which he allegedly read.) His assessment shows the insight of the idiot savant, "And it was a very good book of Rasputin's involvement in that, which shows how people that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

Amen and Amen!

If you'd like to seriously address this article, please send email, subject, "Letter to the Editor," to patrioteditor@comcast.net. Your comments will be carefully considered and if meritorious will be published. We will not publish email that is hateful, disrespectful or otherwise inappropriate.

If you'd just like to  argue with the writer, between river trips you may catch him at Faded Glory Political Forum, where he is a regular.