Wow! It's been a long time since anything got me excited enough to want to get back up on my high horse.

It's not politics this time. I've more or less given up on that since the demise of the GOP and conservatism in general. After ten plus years of ranting about politicians of all parties, and almost seven of warning against the evils being perpetrated upon America by our increasingly out of touch president, I was more than a little bit surprised many months ago to see President Bush and his evil minions taking up the rather odd habit of trodding repeatedly upon their collective primary means of procreation. From Iraq to law and order, 'da prez can't catch a break. The neo-con pipe dream of world domination has turned into a nightmare of world chaos, the end of which is not nearly as clear as the end of the presidential ride to infamy. But I'm through with all that political stuff. The Democrats are in the ascendant and it looks like Ron Paul may steal the GOP nomination. It is what it is and there's not really much for me to add. America will be better off in 2009 ;-)

But there's other trouble in River City. Perhaps it's because of the last couple of decades of the politics of advantage, but the cheating of our politicians has become endemic among the population at large, and especially in sports. In cycling, basketball, baseball, racing and other sports, the emphasis is on advantage. Say what you will about hand/eye coordination, many of Mr. Bonds' homeruns would have been mere popups absent steroid added bat speed. But those things will take care of themselves at the ticket office.

What I'm ticked about this time is a computer game, specifically, "Need for Speed, Most Wanted," and even more specifically, the online version of the game, which has transformed itself from a virtual world where even old men could race on the streets with a reasonable assurance of a clean race into a veritable den of thugs intent not on racing but rather on ruining the experience for those who believe in fair play and clean racing. What's the world coming to when the last athletic refuge of old men is corrupted by nerds intent on cheating?

For those who don't play, let me clarify. Computer games are, of course, computer programs. Most games include "cheats." These are codes that can be entered on the start up screen or elsewhere that usually open or add something to the game. They're built in when the games are coded and there's nothing wrong with using them since they don't make one player dominant over another or give an advantage not available to all players. An example in Need For Speed is the Burger King Challenge, an additional challenge race that opens up back room parts for the cars. If you have Burger King Challenge cars you are faster than those who do not, but the upgrades are available to everyone willing to complete the challenge races.

Trainers are another matter. These come in a variety of versions, all of which add something unnatural to the cars. One version widely available on cheat sites gives the cars unlimited nitrous. Another gives unlimited top speed. One even allows the owner to instantly "warp" his car ahead. The common denominator among trainers is that they will instantly give their owners advantages which are in some cases insurmountable by even experienced players who have worked their way to top cars.

Trainers are not part of the game's code. They are deliberate hacks aimed at changing the game code residing on your machine's hard drive (where virtually ALL PC games keep score and where the exe files reside). Fortunately there are ways to spot trainers online. Simply highlight the player's name and click on "view player," which allows you to look at the other driver's car and record. If his car's performance bars are all zeroed, the car's running a trainer. One particular trainer apparently uses an Audi as its only car.

There's yet another type of cheat that's widely utilized. These are called "save games," and their object is to allow a player to bypass all the bounty, milestones and races. They're usually not much help online though, since except for hackers good enough to change it, the original save game name appears in the "view player" box.

I'm not going explain how to find these different cheats. The kinds of folks who use them will find them on their own, and will be visible, in one way or another, when they're online.

The Old Doctor Fights Back:

Now it goes without saying that I don't like racing against folks with trainers, but I've done so often enough to know that in the hands of a poor or careless driver, they can be beaten.

The internet's crawling with advice columns on Need For Speed. Most are helpful, but I haven't seen any that address the real keys to the game. I'll try to do that, but first let me answer a couple of questions that have been poorly handled elsewhere.

1. Which car is fastest?

Everything's relative, of course, but the bottom line is that ALL of the cars, when equipped with all ultimate and all junkman parts will run faster than this old man can keep up. But each has a sweet spot of sorts. All of the smaller cars, particularly the VW, the Punto, the Clio and the Elise, will accelerate and stop faster than any of the heavier cars, but all of those run out of steam somewhere south of 150. For the shorter races and those in the city, they are great cars and on the straights, fully dressed, will run well over 220. But they are easily displaced by heavier cars.

The game car, of course, is the BMW, and most folks who don't read the game booklet think they're ready to go online when they finish the career mode and regain their Beamer. But like a lot of things, it ain't necessarily so ... the flat out fastest car in the game is not the BMW.

The fastest car is the Porsche Carrerra GT, and it's faster in everything from acceleration to top end, easily topping out at 241 to 242, without nitrous, while the BMW requires constant NOS nudges to approach and sustain that speed (more below). The Ford GT, similarly punched out, will do likewise, and the Mercedes McLaren as well. But the Carrerra will get there first, with less nitrous.

(A word on speed in general: As I noted above, everything is relative. Computer processor speed, RAM, cache, harddrive speed and internet connection can all greatly affect the game. I play on a 2.4 gig Core2 Duo with four gigs of RAM and a 512 meg video card on a fast cable connection. If I just beat you, chances are you were playing with an older processor and a poor connection ... but all other things being equal, the Carrerra is the fastest car.)

Click here for a series of speed trials conducted on the fastest part of the highway system. Bear in mind that all the variables mentioned in the preceding paragraph apply.

2. Which car is the BEST car to race?

Therein lies the crux of the matter and that will depend on you. If you've still not memorized the courses, or are still making mistakes, use the Beamer. It's greatest advantage is that it's the most forgiving of all the cars, despite the fact that it's not the fastest through the curves or on top end. It will predictably toss it's rear end but a touch of nitrous brings it back nicely, whereas the Carrerra, when you lose its front end, will just as predictably put you headfirst into the wall and the nitrous won't help. The Cayman, punched out, is just a touch below the Beamer and a little more below the Carrerra. The full dress VW is next. For fun, nothing beats the VW, Clio, Punto or Elise. (The Elise can be blindingly fast but is TWITCHY, TWITCHY ... that can also be said of the Porsches, including the Carrerra).

3. Which car do you drive?

Online I use the Carrerra. It's a tough car to drive because it's so twitchy, but once you get on top of it it affords the best chance of a win. In a friendly room I like to drive the VW or Ford GT.

4. How to beat the cheats:

Younger readers might ask granddad the same question. I'll bet he'll tell you the same thing I do.

You beat the cheats by beating the game, honestly. Doing that will allow you to access the fastest possible cars and give you the best possible chance against all comers when playing online. Here's how to beat the game:

KEY TO WINNING THE CAREER MODE:

a. The key to winning the career mode is the bus station (screen shots below). It's available from the first race of the game and makes some of the more difficult milestones relative child's play. Your first objective should be to find it and make sure you can find it and reach it quickly from anyplace on the map.

b. Do not use the left side ramp. When you use that ramp when you are ready to escape your only choice is to go forward, and that will put you right into the middle of the police pack. And if you go backwards you'll fall into the space between the busses and the ramp. Instead, use the right side ramp. Park on the very end of the overhead, and in the middle. When the milestone is complete, quickly back up to the ramp and move into the space between ramps. You'll quickly go into cooldown and win the points.

Note 1: The police cars are attracted to your car and that attraction becomes stronger at higher heat levels. At the highest levels merely touching one of the cops will result in a bust. When you are on top of the bus station, the police will cluster directly under you, but can't reach you and when you reverse to go between the ramps they'll quickly follow, again, underneath you.

Note 2: When you are on the ramps, or between them, from time to time a police car will come up the ramp ... most of the time they will overshoot. Be ready to turn onto the busses and run if the cops do not fall over the edge.

Note 3: When you are on the end of the overhead, from time to time one of the cops will hit you from behind. Quickly run off the ramp and immediately hit the "reset car" button, which will return you to your former spot while the police car crashes. Make sure you designate a "reset" button and make it easy to reach.

Try to complete all of the milestones and all of the races, even though you can reclaim your Beamer by winning only the minimum number. As you run the races the courses will become more familiar, and you'll need that familiarity when you move into the fastest cars. Without knowing what's ahead a really fast car is not a real advantage, especially online.

A screen shot guide to using the bus station is here.

CAR STRATEGY:

I've run through several careers, beginning each with a different car. Choose whichever of the three starting vehicles you like best. As long as you upgrade it it will always be as fast as your opponent.

As you defeat each successive blacklist member, you'll be offered two chances at six cards. The three on the left include a one in three shot at the defeated opponent's pink slip. NO MATTER HOW ATTRACTIVE THE CAR, DON'T USE MORE THAN ONE CHANCE AT IT ... Always, always use the second chance for a performance part. If you do this religiously, at the end of the game you'll have fourteen different parts, hopefully a complete set for at least one of your career cars. Ideally, you'll end up with your Beamer plus at least one other car that's appreciably faster than the Beamers. If you win or buy the Carrerra and apply the junkman parts to it, you'll have (at a minimum) both the fastest (the Porsche) and the second fastest (the Beamer) cars in the game and be ready to go online with the best.

How long will it take to complete the career mode? I'm 64 years old, so I don't learn as quickly as I once did, nor do I have the stamina to spend more than three or four hours a day on the game ... at that rate it takes me about five days to run through the career mode. If you're younger I'd expect you could do it more quickly.

Once you've beaten the career mode, you'll have the minimum equipment to be competitive online. But if you'd like to have a complete stable of supercars to race online, you'll need to beat the Challenge series, plus the one race Burger King Challenge. I believe that's sixty-nine races, including the Burger King Challenge, and when it's complete you've opened up all the cars, which can be bought and modified for free, as well as unlimited junkman parts.

The best part of completing the Burger King Challenge is that it will give you a chance to prove for yourself which car is fastest. I based my conclusions on a series of time trials, over the same course in different cars, using the same lines and nitrous only off the line, running each several times and averaging the times. Over the West Park and Lyons course, for example, the Carrerra is four to five seconds faster than my Beamer (which I seldom use online).

A GENERAL NOTE ON RACING GAMES: Most games offer a variety of driving positions and many offer the option of using a wheel and clutch. There are advantage and disadvantages in your choices.

I use an "in car" driving position that lets me see the hood of the car and better discern the car's attitude and line, as well as the fastest line through the corners. I believe that the "following" positions distract your vision by including cars beside and behind you, cars that essentially are no threat. This is especially important when setting up for turns.

Likewise, I use a joystick rather than a wheel, for reasons that I think are obvious, but that some folks eschew. The simplest reason is that you can move the front wheel lock to lock while moving the stick only an inch or two, whereas lock to lock on a wheel involves much more movement.

RACING ONLINE:

The first thing you should do before going online is to adjust your machine for maximum performance. This isn't hard to do. This link  will take you to a fine article that explains in detail how to do this under Windows XP. The whole process need be done only once and takes only five minutes or so. If you're running Vista, sorry 'bout that ;-)

Note: I've tried this game under both Vista and XP and XP is much the better system for this game, as well as most others.

Next you'll want to optimize the game itself for best performance. Users know that Need's graphics can be truly stunning, but even with a very fast machine they use up a LOT of RAM and a LOT of processor resources. And you don't need most of what you see on the screen in order to race well. Go to the options screen and reduce everything to the bare minimum. I run at 640 by 480 screen resolution with all visuals at the lowest setting and many turned off completely. Things like shadows, world detail, car detail, etc., can all be reduced drastically while still leaving enough detail to race well. The fewer pixels on the screen, the faster the scroll rate and the faster your car.

Finally, go to the task manager and make sure all other applications are closed. Then go to "processes" and close down all processes that are not essential to the game itself. This can be a little bit tricky but as a general rule if it's marked with the "name" of your computer you can shut it down and if it's marked as "system" you should leave it alone. I'd suggest that if you don't understand the function of any processes that you ask a friend.

BEAT THE CHEATS:

Once you've beaten the career mode and the Challenge series (including the BK challenge), you'll have access to the fastest possible cars. If you're also lucky enough to have a fast computer and a good connection, you'll undoubtedly beat most of those running cheats ... and when you do, I promise you personal gratification that's unavailable to those using cheats. You'll have won, cleanly and honestly, something those running cheats can never say.

My Bona Fides ;-)

As I noted above, I'm sixty-four years old. I also have only one eye and wear a pacemaker. But I've got very good equipment, I know the tracks and if you're not cheating, I might just beat you. If you see me online, invite me into a private room. I promise you a clean race.